Sometimes you feel like a nut

     I find myself not being able to stop thinking about just about everything that has gone on in the last week. Are we going to try to get pregnant or aren't we? I take the labs on day three and start this pill after the labs and that pill on day five and have an ultrasound on this day. My ovaries hurt. Why do my ovaries hurt? Is it from the medication? It's probably from the medication. Oh my goodness, look how cute that onesie is! We're going to have a baby. We're going to wait to have a baby. Wait, what's going on? I keep trying to tell myself to let it go and just go with it. But I can not turn my mind off. It seems to be the hardest thing for me to just think about anything else. I start out with good intentions and somehow I always veer back to all of it. Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I can do to relax a little? I've considered copious amounts of alcohol but I'm not sure that's the smartest plan. I just need to find a healthy balance between real life and baby brain.

     On a side note, I found this onesie on Pinterest and I think it's flippin adorable.

     Alright, enough of that. Peace out, homes.

Physical therapy... psh more like Emotional Therapy.

      I've been going to physical therapy now for about three weeks due to a broken clavicle that I had to have surgery on. I'm lucky enough to be friends with a physical therapist, who is pretty much one of the funniest people I know and incidentally, he and his wife also had a hard time getting pregnant. Well tonight I went to my regular session and he worked my arm and massaged it for all of about 30 minutes but then we preceded to talk for about an hour and a half longer. All about the struggle he and his wife had to go through to have a baby. It was definitely good to hear from someone who's been through it and is very honest and open about how they had the exact same thoughts and feelings that I'm having right now. One of the biggest things I took from what we talked about tonight is he told me that even though I'm "broken", I'm not actually broken. Which at first made absolutely no sense to me and then he explained that just because this particular path doesn't work for me doesn't mean I'm not going to end up where I need to be. This just isn't the path I need to take to get there. As he put it, you can't drive a truck on railroad tracks. In addition to that wonderful piece of advice he gave me he said that I need to stop letting the fact that I need help to have a baby continue to eat away at me. That sure, I have a lot of grieving ahead of me, but letting it eat me from the inside out is only going to make things that much harder. Take the medicine, let it do its thing, let go, and just stop worrying about it. He also told me to get really drunk and have lots of sex, but that's beside the point. I love when seemingly insignificant, routine events turn out to be the exact thing you needed at that moment.
     On another note, I've been taking the Provera for about three days now and have been feeling a little nauseated. I'm not sure if it's from the medication or for some other unknown reason. Has anyone else had a problem with it? I've also started taking a prenatal vitamin but I'm not supposed to start the Metformin until after I do my labs here in a week or so. Hopefully those all turn out okay. I do have to say though that I've never felt like I stuck out more in the grocery store than when I've got ovulation tests and prenatal vitamins in my hand. I mean really, I could be walking around with tampons, condoms, and stool softener, but as soon as I have a pregnancy test or the like in my hand I feel like I have a spotlight following me though the store. Silly, I know.
     I'm finding myself less in the mood for sex since I found out about all of this. I almost feel like there's no point if I can't even make a baby with out a drug intervention. I kind of forgot all about the enjoyment of sex and thought of it basically as a means to an end. Which is not going to help the situation at all. So here's my plan of attack, and I'm going to follow it to the best of my ability. I'm making no promises though. I'm going to relax and enjoy having sex with my husband. I'm going to take my medication and let it do it's thing. And I am not going to stress. Much.

Fresh Start

This blog started as an area to vent my frustrations about my husband being gone for work, I never intended for anyone to read it. It was more of a diary. Well, as of yesterday at my doctors appointment I found out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), so I have decided that this is now going to be a blog of my journey dealing with PCOS, trying to have a baby, a place to share what I know and am continually learning, as well as hopefully a place other women with the same or similar condition can come for some moral support, a fresh start of sorts. If you've found your way here, welcome. (Disclaimer: I am in no way an expert, and intend to be wrong on a lot of things. If you know something that I don't, or feel like sharing in general. Please feel free )

As the water for my spaghetti noodles is boiling over on the stove, I've been contemplating what it is that's actually happening to me and trying to understand and accept that it's going to take some work for me to actually have a baby and be okay with that fact. That's a hard thing for me to be okay with. All my life, one of the only things I've wanted to be is a mom. I always assumed it would just be easy for me. You'd have sex and viola, babies are made. Not in my case. So here's what I know (which isn't much); I'm not ovulating. In other words my body isn't maturing or releasing an egg to be fertilized, I'm also producing too much insulin which is part of the reason that I'm not ovulating, if that weren't enough I produce little cysts around my ovaries that in turn stop me from ovulating. So in a nutshell, my body is working against me and my baby dreams.

So I'm fighting back. My OBGYN put me on a few different medications which should help me to ovulate and hopefully have a bun in the oven sooner rather than later. I've started taking Metformin 500mg once a day, which is a diabetes drug but will help with the insulin. Provera 10mg, which helps to shed the lining of the endometrium. Finally, Clomid, which I am still discussing with my husband. Clomid is a drug that makes you ovulate and apparently mixed with the Metformin greatly increases the chance of getting pregnant. I've also started trying to lose some weight and get to a healthier place, body and mind.

Now I say that my husband and I are still discussing the Clomid because he hasn't given me a definite answer yet about really trying to have a baby. Sure I'm not on birth control, we haven't used condoms in a couple months, and when approached with the subject of me being pregnant he says that it would be okay. But he's never come out and said, let's have a baby. Any time I bring the subject up he contradicts himself, but never says yes or no. The doctor said I could hold off on the Clomid until we're really trying, but part of me wants to get it started. Another part of me feels like that's pushing too much or deceiving my husband. So maybe for this month, I'll hold off. What are your thoughts? Are you taking similar medications? Is there anything in addition to what I'm doing that could help me get there sooner? I've been reading What to Expect Before You're Expecting, which has a lot of helpful information in it. Is there any other books I should look into that are helpful?